Epic Rap Battles of Tyria

John Stumme has been posting these hilarious rap battles on his Facebook page all week. They are so good that I knew I had to snatch them for my blog--with John's permission, of course. Enjoy, guys!

Don't forget to post who won each round in the comments!



"It's been a dalliance of the Live Team as of late to write these. So far we've got a few versions of Shiro vs. The Lich, Logan vs. Rytlock, and the latest one that I wrote: Canthan Guard vs. Stick:" —John Stumme

Canthan Guard:

It is madness! I’m a Canthan Guar…

You weren’t expecting Master Togo?
Son, you weren’t expecting me
I’m sharp as hell for a goddamned stick
And I’m on a killing spree!

I got a point, so let’s get to it,
I see your spine and I run right through it
I’m like a hot knife to your butter
Leave your remains in the gutter
The gutter where you learned your voice acting
So your reacting to my impacting is distracting
Gotta put you on mute while I’m exacting
My revenge, paying my price, stabbing again because it feels so nice
I’m the biggest threat to Cantha
Since some guy they named Xun Rao
You never saw him then, and you ain’t gonna see him now
He crossed my path, and I laid him out
Just like you,
You’re gonna meet your end if you stick around.



The newest Epic Rap Battle of Tyria: Prince Rurik vs. Kilroy Stonekin!

Prince Rurik:
As a young boy, I spent much time in these lands...

Kilroy Stonekin:
I'm charging ahead, because I've got no time to waste!
I'm already at the finish line, and I'm laughing at your face
Or at least I would be…
If you hadn't lost your head.
You've been killed before, 
And you can rest assured,
That my rhymes will knock you dead!

Prince Rurik:
Your rhymes, you say? Now that'd be a feat
Since every trick that you've ever learned, well, you got them all from me
I'm the original NPC that'll just run off,
I was training charr before you were even a thought
My legacy is everlasting, 
You're just a fad that's passing.
You can't even hold a candle to my fame,
And no one will remember you, 
No matter how many times you shout your name!

Kilroy Stonekin:
Your legacy? You're oblivious to the obvious, that ain't hard to see
You couldn't hope to match my moves if you couldn't outrun a tree
You brought your flaming sword, yeah, you swung it and you missed
Because now you're battling with a real man, and I solve things with MY FISTS!
You’re just a disappointment. You got knocked down ONCE and died
When I get knocked down, I get back up, and I brush it off in stride!
I've gotta shout my name, because DAMN it sounds so nice,
People gather from all around just to join ME in all my fights
So where are your people? Oh, that's right, you got disowned
You've got no prayer of winning, just like you've got no home!

Prince Rurik:
Those are pretty big words, from such a tiny, tiny man
But my raps are going to ruin you, worse than the charr ruined my homeland
You're pretty fond of running? Yeah, it's easy to see why
You're a running joke, run into the ground, from the day the laughter died
It's obvious that you've never stopped once to think a day in your whole life
If you had the prescience to do so, then you might realize you could NEVER win this fight
Lyrically you're waning while I'm waxing, and this is all about to end
There can be no doubt this was a vocal knockout, so farewell my mountain friend!


Keiran Thackeray vs. Logan Thackeray!

This battle hasn't even started,
But I've already got you on the run
I'm the lyrical Sandman
That puts you down at 21 
I'm the original, the progenitor,
This is where it all began
Without me, you wouldn't be, 
'cause I'm a ladies' man.
I'm a legend in my own time,
I took out Rotscale by myself
You could learn something from your elders,
'Cause to me you're just a whelp.

That was weak, old man
You call that a rap?
Why don't you take some geritol
Then lay down for a nap!
Your style might have been sharp
Two hundred fifty years ago
But your time has long since passed
Now I'M the one that’s running the show
I'm the pinnacle of perfection,
I'm the pride of Divinity's Reach,
You can't walk a block in my home town
Without hearing everything 'bout me!

I've heard all the stories about you,
And kid, I'm not impressed
You met a queen, your love couldn't be, 
But you STILL flaked at her behest!
The story of my love was epic, 
It made me a better man
The story of your love is pathetic,
You just turned your tail and ran!
So why are you out here rapping,
Did the queen let you off your leash?
Divinity, like beating me, 
Will never be in your reach!

Did you gather the ingredients for that comeback,
Or did others do it for you?
I'm feeling like Kimmes the Historian,
'Cause I think I'm going to deaf to
Your prattling, pedantic, 
You think you are romantic?
You're a creeper, dude, a borderline stalker
You wore Gwen down, that's the only reason that you caught her
You're never going to beat me, 
You haven't got a chance
You traded in for a Paragon skirt, 
Instead of big boy pants!



Mad King Thorn vs. Palawa Joko! You might want to prepare yourself for this one.

Mad King Thorn:
I just flew in from the Underworld,
And boy are my arms tired!
I came here for a rap battle,
But my opponent's already expired!
Palawa, you're the only Joko that will never get a laugh
So now let's play a game, or else you'll feel my wrath
Mad King Says to /kneel, and /beg, /Beg, /BEG!!!
What's that? I couldn't hear you. I'VE GOT A PUMPKIN ON MY HEAD!!!

Palawa Joko:
Oh. What's this? Well, look what we have here.
Did someone forget that you only get let out one time a year?
Go back to your realm, candy man, because out here, no one's laughing
And I promise you no sugar coating on the verbal barbs I'M rapping
Get back, hack, I'm going on the attack
Battle with me, and the decks are stacked
I'll lay you out faster than I razed Elona, that's why I'm the Scourge
Your court will stop their revelry, they'll have to write your dirge!

Mad King Thorn:
You need to lighten up, here: this next joke's just for you
Just look into this mirror, so that you can see it too!
I'm only out for Halloween, one day is all I can take
I couldn't stomach 364 more if it meant I'd have to see YOUR face!
You can't borrow money from a dwarf, because they're always a little short
And I can't expect a battle from you, because you've got no good retorts!
You conquered a little bit of Elona, and then got sealed away
I take over entire cities 'cross continents, and people celebrate!
When I say "Knock, knock", there is no choice,
You'd better say "Who's there?"
Because it's Mad King Thorn, and you've been warned, 
That I've got you running scared!

Palawa Joko:
You talk pretty tough... for a man with an invisible pony
Nothing brings out vitriol more than learning a dude's a brony!
My army would literally devour yours, that much is fundamental
The only reason they haven't yet is I won't pay for their dental!
You surround yourself with freaks, and a bunch of candy corn men
The only place you could beat me is your land of play pretend!
I'm the stuff of nightmares, I'm terrifying,
Grown men think of me and they break down crying
Your idea of a battle is playing rock, paper, scissors
You bring the kind of woe that can overflow a fissure
Stomping you out is a matter that's trivial
If it wasn't for dwarves, you would have no material!


Who won? Who's next?